RUDY-G’s Roofie State of Mind

Is Rudy Giuliani is the new spokesperson for Flunitrazepam?!  He must be!! I mean, yes the drug has not been approved by the FDA and is, technically, illegal.  But Rudy here seems to have thrown his hat into the ring in the battle make this roofie legal and has volunteered to publicly demonstrate one of its most piercing side-effects:  amnesia!  Why else would Rudy-G go on national television and say “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we’ve had one under Obama.” See with your own eyes:

Ummm….ok.  I seem to recall some sort of devastating attack within one of our major metropolises sometime during….when was it….. yes! in 2001!  And I am pretty sure it was under – what’s his name? ….Chene- no, no, that’s not it….you know, funny guy who had problems with grammar….President Bush!  Yes!
Now I remember!  Because I was there! In New York.  Which, if I am not mistaken, is still part of the Union.  And I am pretty sure that the NY Mayor at the time was noneother than Rudy Giuliani!  Don’t you remember, Ruds?  I mean, it was how you defined your Mayoral career!  And then you (tried to) resurrect yourself in the form of a presidential campaign bid based on that very catastrophe!

You know, even you had managed to “accidentally” forget” such a moment as 9/11 (or the two other terrible attacks that occurred that same day at the Pentagon and in Pennsylvania), there were still other terrorist attacks during President Bush’s two terms in office.  Remember this? or this?  Or maybe this guy?

So Ruds, I don’t know what happened.  Maybe at one point you accepted a large campaign contribution from the Roofie lobby and now it’s time to make good on your end of the bargain.  Maybe you lost a huge bet to Mike Bloomberg.  Or maybe you’re just an asshole who is omitting basic truths and using selective amnesia as a means to make absurd statements and get your face back in the political game.  Yeah, I think that’s it.

World of Wordcraft

Open Letter to Sarah Palin:

So I hear your new book, Going Rogue, is coming out in a few short days.   The world awaits with breath that is bated.  And for my part I must say, great title.  Seriously.  I mean, I can honestly think of nothing better to headline your memoir.  After all, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines “rogue” as: “vagrant, tramp; a dishonest or worthless person – scoundrel”.  And for you – well, that sounds about right.

Sincerely,

Bailey McFluffersons, puppy extraordinaire

Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistic(al Self-Esteem)

Note to self:  next time I participate in a nationally televised interview across from Katie Couric (when I am a running for elected office within the dog community, natch), I do not need to have read any newspapers or have any knowledge, really, regarding any of the topics which I am about to speak.  I don’t even need to prepare in any way.   The reason being is that I am adorable and will just win everyone over with my oozing natural charm.  Mind and matter be damned!  And if, by some remote chance (ha!) this plan does not go swimmingly (feign surprise), I can easily mop up all the humiliation by just saying I took the interview because I heard that Katie Couric had low self-esteem.  So really I could pretend I was just performing a public service – I was the clown to her straight man.  Yes, yes Ms. Couric has had a long and upwardly-moving journalistic career, was the first solo female network news anchor in history, has interviewed heads-of state such as former Presidents Clinton, Carter, Ford, George H.W. Bush, and George W. Bush, and is (arguably) adorable herself.  Regardless of these and many other accomplishments of hers, I can just say I pitied her if the interview goes to hell in a hula hoop.  That argument holds water… right??? At least Miss S Pal’ thinks so.  And she would never steer us wrong…  Just look into those crazy creepy calm eyes:

Care for a Happy Meal?

Job Alert!!

It seems that fast-food giant McDonald’s is looking an Assistant Manager at one of it’s popular franchise locations.  Pros:  this franchise is situated in a lovely semitropical environment, with miles of beach at your fingertips, and you can easily acquire the best cigars the world has to offer! That’s right, folks.  The McDonald’s I am speaking of, is none other than the one located at Guantanamo Bay Cuba!  Check out the ABC News report here.

Now, yes I am in the market for a job, but I am not sure this one will be the best fit for my particular skill set.  Also, the climate in Cuba is way too hot for a little one with my fur coat.  Happy job hunting!

You Beck Your Ass!

Fox News host Glenn Beck suffered an appendicitis today and was hospitalized immediately in order to have his appendix removed.  I’m sorry, did I say “have his appendix removed”?  I meant “have his head removed from up his own ass”.

Fun fact! In early 2008 Mr. Beck had a different type of ass surgery – one for his hemorrhoids that he claims went “horribly awry”.  As a result of the, we got this chestnut:

Following this incident, Beck went on a bit of a personal crusade for health care reform in the United States, calling his experience a “nightmare”. Which is funny, because less than 1 1/2 years later, this guy is telling me that we have the best health care system in the world:

So…. I am confused – do these guys not realize how technology and the internet work?  These clips don’t die.  It’s like your credit score.  It follows you around and just about anyone can dig it up and screw you with it.  It ain’t that hard to pull together these sound bites that illustrate their gross hypocrisy.  I mean, I’m a DOG and I did it.  Do they not know that???

A Cachaca Carol

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

~Mark Twain

Taking the old adage a bit too literally, Brazilian brick layer Ademir Jorge Goncalves showed up late to his own funeral this past Monday.  On Sunday evening, the body of a car crash victim in southern Brazil was mis-identified by friends & family as belonging to Mr. Goncalves.   In actuality, Mr. Goncalves spent his Sunday evening alive and well at a truck stop, enjoying the sweet sweet taste of cachaca with friends.  He did not hear of the incident until Monday morning, when his own funeral was already underway.   A spokeswoman for the local police department accounted for the wrongful identification by saying that the body was, “badly disfigured and wearing similar clothes”.  The body was correctly identified Monday and later put to rest.

Talk about a hangover from hell.  You wake up, already punished with a splitting headache, for simply enjoying Brazil’s national liquor, but then you also have to explain to your mourning, devastated family why the funeral taking place in your name is not actually you at all!  And do so with the evidence of last night’s Caipirinhas-laced festivities still on lingering on your breath.  I would say your best bet would be to claim you were simply countering the Jameson’s Irish Whiskey ad by promoting your own national nectar.  So the whole incident was a patriotic thing really…

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

Happy Halloween!  It’s that time of year when little children (and occasionally some free-loading pets) get dressed up and haunt the streets of your neighborhood, knocking on various doors asking for handouts.  But only delicious festively-wrapped candy ones.  Normally I would scoff at such embarrassing behavior, but the thing is… I love treats.  Like, really love them. In fact, I love getting treats so much that I am willing to endure this humiliation on Halloween in order to get them:

Boo!

Actually, now that I am taking a closer look at this pic, I have to say… I make a damn fine pumpkin.  Wait here.  Let me get you another photo with the hat.  It came with a hat to represent a pumpkin stem:

This is a REAL downward dog. Drink it in.

There it is!  The complete gourd and I am still fucking cute!  As you can see here, I tested the costume for structural integrity before I went out.  You can bet your sweet ass I wasn’t going to go out in something that would fall apart after walking just 1 block!  I can also be seen throwing a bit of a tantrum here (indicated here by my tongue sticking out at my mom) as she nagged me to stay still so she could snap one of these photos:   “Sit.  Sit still Bailey.  No…. Stay.  Good!  Stay – staaaaayyyy.  Now Siiiiiitttt. Allllmmmmost!  Now Sit!  Bai – No!  Sit!  Bailey!! SIT!!!”  Eventually, I caved.  I really wanted a treat after all and I couldn’t hold out forever.

Well, the hour grows late and I still have to sort my delicious Halloween plunder.  I like to separate the Greenies from the rawhide from the Bully sticks before they make the eventual trip into my stomach. And don’t forget the best part of this whole holiday – the post-Halloween candy sales!  Every one knows that the best candy deals come the day after Halloween when stores try to dump their delicious-but-now-seasonally-outdated-holiday stock onto us candy-jonesing consumers at great discount rates**.   I can’t wait.

From one pooped pumpkin…

That last treat may have been a mistake...

Happy Halloween!

*friendly reminder: never giver your dog chocolate!! It can make your furry companion very sick and  in some cases, it can be lethal! Actually, keep them away from all candy in general.  For Halloween, my mom gave me treats that included organic dog biscuits and a Greenie.